As told to Sanka Price
I FEEL GOD is punishing me for having two abortions when I was a teenager.
That is the only conclusion I can come to in order to explain why I can't have any children with my husband.
We have done tests and each one shows there is nothing wrong with me or him, and we can have children. Yet, no matter how relaxed we are; whether we go away or are here; whether it's at the most fertile time in my cycle; or even if we continually do it in just the missionary position - I just can't get pregnant.
This March would make two full years that we have been trying without once getting pregnant. At first I thought it had to do with the effects of taking the pill non-stop for about 12 years, but my doctor ruled that out with one of the tests. Besides, I was off the pill for about 10 months before we actively started working on getting pregnant.
That is why I feel God is punishing me.
Getting what I deserve
I know that God is forgiving and loving, and not vengeful, but my conscience keeps telling me he is making me suffer for my past wickedness and the lies I told to get my husband. This is what I believe and no amount of counselling I get can convince me differently.
Do you have any idea how I feel when I see my husband playing with his younger brother's children? It eats me up when I see him on the floor walking on his hands and knees giving those two children a jockey. And what hurts me even more than that, is that his brother's wife is older than I am, yet she can have kids and not me.
I am convinced that this is payback!
I know within myself this is retribution for my mother making me get an abortion when I was 13 and again when I was 17. I was at secondary school then and she wanted me to make something of my life, but I hated her for leaving my father for the man that is her husband now.
At that time I didn't understand that she left my father's house because he used to beat her. All I knew was that he was my father and I loved him. I never wanted anyone else to take his place. So when we moved and she didn't allow him to see me, I started to do things that would upset her.
One of the nastiest was to start up with some of the boys in the area I moved to. That is how I got pregnant the first time. I never knew whose name to call, because it could have been one of four. I was that bad.
I know that experience hurt her because she cried a lot about it, and blamed herself. But that never moved me in any way. I continued my ways in school. I was just defiant because she robbed me of my dad.
Realised the truth
I used to get into endless noises with her husband, then her man, because I could not stand him telling me anything. I ignored him when he spoke to me, and even cursed him once. I was so bad to him that eventually my mother had to send me to live with my father's mother just to bring peace in the house.
That was when I found out what sort of man my father really was, because though he was now able to see me whenever he wanted, he never used to come around more than once a week, and even then it was just for a few hours. Apart from that, he didn't allow me to come down by his house. He always had some excuse like having to go to work, or to do something for somebody. He never even used to call me just to see how I was doing. My mother, on the other hand, would be calling every other day and, along with her husband, passing every weekend to take me out.
The thing is, though I disrespected her husband, he would still speak with me and actually showed interest in my studies. And as he was a teacher, I could call him and he would help me on the phone. It was when I realised all of these things that
I started drifting again, ended up dealing with a man nearly twice my age and got pregnant once more. And again, the only person I could turn to was my mother who was there for me all the way - she and her husband.
After that I moved back with them and didn't knock myself about. I started going to church, furthered my studies and then got a nice job. It was through my job that I met my present husband. From the moment I met him I just knew
he was the man for me; but he had a girlfriend. So, to put it simply, I horned her and then pretended I was pregnant. He decided to do the right thing and marry me. Of course I later had a 'miscarriage', but at least I had my man. I think that big lie, along with my abortions, are now working against me. That is why I feel I'm being punished. My wickedness is haunting me.