"The saying about a dog being a man's best friend came to me . . . . And it struck me like a thunderbolt: There's a reason a dog is a man's best friend and a reason why some women, including me, are not when in a relationship. I had wanted my husband to be my best friend. It was what I wanted most in all the relationships and could never seem to find or have." - Priscilla Carvalho CAN YOUR DOG save your relationship? Priscilla Carvalho seems to believe so. The mother of two learned some valuable lessons from her canines one day as she tried to come to grips with her own failing marriage. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, Priscilla used her pain to give birth to her first book: Tricks My Dog Taught Me - A Smart Woman's Thoughts On Saving A Relationship which aims to help other couples to "stop the rot before it starts". Priscilla explained how she got the idea for the book: "I was taking my breakfast on the porch one morning, thinking over my problem when my two dogs came to greet me - tail and tongues wagging. Dogs, regardless of the treatment humans dish out to them or of the time spent with them, always greet their owners with joy and eagerness. "Now some readers might find the comparison between women and dogs humorous; others might find it demeaning and offensive, but it led me to a simple conclusion regarding the clue to happiness and problem-solving in a relationship - A joyful welcome, a smile, the human equivalent of a wagging tail, is what will make a man eager to come home, and will show him that a woman is, deep down, happy he's there," she wrote in her book. Sent to jail Even though it is too late for Priscilla's marriage - it ended after ten years (which included three years of separation) back in 2005 after her husband was sent to jail - she hopes her book will give women some insight into what it takes to make a successful relationship. Priscilla is very aware of sceptics who will criticise the concept of a divorcee dishing out relationship advice. But the devout Christian whose book is based on biblical teachings, says the decision to go through with her divorce did not come hastily. She said it came after many consultations with Christian marriage counsellors. She cited biblical passages Matthew 5:32 and Mark 10:2-5 which outline grounds for divorce. Tricks My Dog Taught Me investigates one theory, that the way women conduct themselves can result in positive and desired reactions in their significant others. It was during her separation/divorce period that Priscilla penned the book. It took about four-and-a-half years to complete it and get it published. Opportunity to love "Who knows, maybe if I'd started writing this book before [the separation], it may have helped! Although I was hurt, I didn't see it as an opportunity to be vindictive or hurtful. I saw it as an opportunity to love people more and to talk better about men. "I personally believe, as the scripture says, that man is the head of the household. I figure if we can maintain the head - the man - then we can maintain good relationships; good families. It is all about trying to save relationships even though mine failed," she told the DAILY NATION. In her own failed relationship Priscilla believes she was always too anxious and angry at things done by her ex-husband. "Everytime he came home I was like: 'Where were you?' or 'Why didn't you call?' and that doesn't help. I am not saying that caused the demise of the relationship, but I know it didn't make for a happy relationship," she said. The book talks about that "bad word" modern women avoid like the plague - submission. Priscilla, a senior engineer with a top telecommunications company, said submission was perceived as old-fashioned and the idea that a good wife must submit to her husband was seen as anti-feminist. Submitting was especially hard, she added, if the woman was educated. "I am from the old-school. I am an engineer by profession and I know a lot of other professional women tend to have a different view of relationships than me. They talk about women's lib; we are liberated, but I don't believe that my education determines who I am. Education defines what we can do and not who we are. That thinking doesn't make me less of a woman or less liberated." Bad-talking men She said part of the problem with relationships in Barbadian society was women talking "bad" about men. "We call them dogs, we talk about them in front of our sons. I think we brainwash ourselves into thinking that men are bad so we treat them badly. I know men have a part to play I am not going to excuse them, but Caribbean women have a way of down-talking men and that affects your mind. "So this book is all about treating your man good. I have two sons and I know children tend to do things they see as opposed to things that they hear so I figured if you create a culture of a good family relationships perhaps it could go on from generation to generation," she said, noting that she and her former husband share joint custody of the boys. The book, which is available at Pages Book Stores and Things Gospel, also features insights from interviews Priscilla conducted with men. And, quite surprisingly, men seem to be some of her biggest fans - they love the book. Some have bought copies for their wives and girlfriends. So, out of Priscilla's pain has come healing not only for others, but for herself as well. "I know my marriage has caused me to become closer to God, it has caused me to worship Him more. What I want women to take away is that we as women have a lot of power. Therefore, let us use that power to save our relationships," Priscilla urged.
|
